American Honey

the Fire set by the sun is being watched by the calm blanket of little blues.  Gazing as if remembering a long forgotten feeling, but not emotionally part of the spectacle raging above their tiny heads.

As the last month is ending, one is inevitably forced into a montage of all the year has offered.  The good times and the bad. What you were doing this time one year ago.  How things have changed, or remained the same.  Most prevalently, the people whose paths you have crossed.  And of course, the future as well is called into question. You feel obligated to make a pact that the next one will be better, but you know better than that, don't you? You know yourself. Your habits and preferences.  You figure you will be the same procrastinating, music loving, creative, but severely lacking in self-confidence and therefore giving in to fear much more often than you'd like, type of person. Yes, you know that you write run-on sentences, and are suddenly glad this is not for a school paper.. on which you used to do so well and are wondering where the skill, or at the very least, the will-power to do well, went.  You shrug off the tangent and continue with the long overdue narrative about the turbulent year you have had considering its comparison to all the preceding years.  The changes you sometimes dealt with like a champ.... other times, they broke you. You have learned sorrow. And joy. Longing and pain.  Tears so hot and fast, at times feeling perpetual motion had been discovered through your tear ducts, or that your head or heart would certainly explode any moment for lack of space to hold and control all the emotion raging inside of them.  But the tears dried up and the explosion had no countdown.  You made new friends and deepened your relationship with others.  Some of which you will be eternally grateful for.  This can add to your future pain when people must inevitably part for various reasons sometimes for a lengthy parting.  But you have learned that it is worth it. To have people so close they are now family.  To have the family you do, who made you who you are. Who love you and you know you can turn to always. Or to have the lessons learned and the memories from the people no longer in your life.
I guess all I've learned from the year, is to listen to the warning signs from the Spirit and my own heart.  To follow what I believe in honesty at all times and to not act as someone I am not.  If I don't act as myself and suddenly people like me, it would not matter, they like someone else, the person I am not.
I have learned to be more discerning in my actions, to try as often as possible to do the right thing towards other people, but to understand when it is no longer my responsibility to worry over and when I can no longer please everyone.
I have learned that I should not be so quick to anger or take offense, but of course my stubborn pride is not allowing me to learn that lesson very quickly.  I know now that stepping outside of the comfort zone is sometimes necessary and even though it is intimidating, it can lead to so many more opportunities and a wealth of memories and happiness.
People think I'm social and outgoing. The only reason I seem that way is because I have been continuously pushing myself to be the person to put a smile on someone else's face. Sometimes it is out of my comfort level to start a conversation or do something in front of other people or put myself in a situation where I might not know all about what I am doing, but that is where I learn the most. That is where I have been able to help the most.  I know I haven't been perfect, but I'd like to think I made even a tiny difference for the better in at least one person's life this year.  That is the goal. And my hope for every year. Along with health, educational, work, etc. goals, my goal that is included every year is to make more friends, but not just make them my friends, but just make other people feel welcome enough to make their own friends, to be a part of whatever is going on. To feel like they are loved, included. To spread the love of the Savior to every person I meet.
I learned from a very dear friend that "God doesn't make trash" and He made each of us.  I know I haven't done the best job this year. I had lost motivation for a while to even go through with my daily life.  This year held one of the darkest spots in my life - nothing and no one to blame but myself.
While I guess this one post could go on for as long as the year I am trying to capture in word, I will finish with a few final thoughts.  My hopes, my goals for the next year: To spread as many smiles as I can; to do better in my schooling and regain my own smile - genuinely and inside; to go for my goals no matter how intimidating or unfathomably unreachable they seem; to recognize the Lord's hand in my life and to follow where He would have me go (to recognize any new dreams or paths available to me); to become closer to the Lord; to treasure the word of God more; to share my talents without fear; to help more often not thinking about it being difficult or inconvenient to me; to fulfill my callings better; and to be open to any more goals or blessings the Lord would have me be a part of.

I leave my testimony that the Lord lives. That Abraham, Moses, Mohonri Moriancumer, Moroni, and Joseph Smith, among many other prophets and other people have truly seen the Lord.  That miracles still happen, and that revelation can still be received daily. That we are made in God's image and that He loves each and every one of us even through our mistakes.  He knows our potential and He is just waiting, like the Father to the Prodigal Son, waiting for us - ready to run towards us even as we are yet a far distance off. We just have to take the first step.  I know this is true.  I know my brother is doing the best work in the world right now for a reason.  I know he will affect generations by blessing their lives with the fullness of the Gospel. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the most true church on the Earth.  I know that the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, and all the prophets before him, including the ancient times, were true men of God and receive revelation from a loving and caring God.  I know we have agency on this Earth and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all can be forgiven, and everything that is lost in this life, will be restored in the hereafter. I am incredibly grateful for the mercy of God and for his protection over my family members this year. Life is fragile, and He has blessed us with it in the first place, and He steps in when He knows someone's time is not yet finished.  My hope is that no matter your religion, faith, or lack of faith, that you can feel one day the truth of this fact: you are loved. Always and perfectly. Forever.  You have a purpose in this life you chose to come to.  Whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you.  He knows you. He is there for you.  Even when you have forgotten Him or feel He is gone.  He is just there waiting with open arms for you to take the first step. I leave this in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

You recognize this tunnel now, realizing it has two ends. Your eyes have been opened and the choices are all yours.         Are you better off this year than you were last? What can you do for yourself or others to make sure you will be?