Everybody puts on a brave face at one time or another.
That doesn't mean they aren't still feeling every excruciating little emotion.
it just means they've learned to hide it well around others.
There are moments they break.
Sometimes it's hard to keep inside in front of people
especially when little things, completely random in appearance,
remind you of people you miss the most,
and you find yourself lost for a moment.
feeling like your heart is ripped into tiny little pieces,
doused in girl scout juice, set on fire,
and you're watching the ashes drift in the wind.
and then the moment is over, and life continues on.
There are days when you feel completely alone
like nobody truly cares about understanding you anymore.
like everybody you love has left, or is leaving you.
and you're just another girl among millions
easily able to get lost in the crowd.
Then there are days when you feel like
Maybe. just maybe, there will be a future
and it is up to you to live it well or let everything stunt you into becoming a failure.
We are how we perceive ourselves. whether that perception is reality or not,
we believe our own thoughts the most, typically.
unless there are quite a few respected people in our lives telling us otherwise,
we listen to what is inside of us, influenced by things in the world around us, yes,
but we make the choices in our lives.
Some days i almost wish I didn't have that kind of responsibility.
I feel like I misuse that kind of trust.
I feel like I misuse trust in general.
Maybe misuse is the wrong word.
Maybe I just disappoint people.
Heck, I disappoint myself all the time.
I realized the other day, I'm not even ok with being myself.
I feel stupid every time I say a cheesy joke,
talk too much or too loud,
sing in front of people, play any instrument in front of people,
talk about my interests, or even just looking how I look.
I guess I have such a different expectation for myself
that I am always disappointed in who I am.
It's like I don't like my own personality
or my own looks or style.
Who I am.
It's a horrible feeling.
I just feel stupid when I open up.
Like nobody really wants to get to know me,
and I don't want to burden people with my sorrows anyway.
don't want to burden them with the good things either.
i feel like im wasting people's time constantly.
but either way, i cant confide fully.
It's not their problem to bear
and I don't want them thinking differently of me.
Just keep seeing me as the weird girl, that tries to act like one of the guys,
talks about violence, watches syfy, discovery, and history channel
but also watches food network, disney channel, and tlc.
That girl who is high energy, slightly entertaining
whether laughing at or with.
Someone to hang out with for a bit, but ditch later,
never get close enough to see behind the smile,
rather accepting it and thinking
"Man, what a fun girl. I should get to know her better."
but never quite finding time to actually care.
there are more important people
maybe ones you've known longer, or who are cooler,
or more normal, or nicer.
or maybe it'd just be weird or out of your comfort zone
or you don't have time or she doesn't seem to need a friend
she's got people smiling with her,
she has all these "friends" she doesn't need more.
Just get to know her on the fringe of her life like everyone else.
and what is she left with?
a very protected, secure, safe,
lonely bubble.
party of 1 on the inside.
party of 6 billion going places in life on the outside.
That doesn't mean they aren't still feeling every excruciating little emotion.
it just means they've learned to hide it well around others.
There are moments they break.
Sometimes it's hard to keep inside in front of people
especially when little things, completely random in appearance,
remind you of people you miss the most,
and you find yourself lost for a moment.
feeling like your heart is ripped into tiny little pieces,
doused in girl scout juice, set on fire,
and you're watching the ashes drift in the wind.
and then the moment is over, and life continues on.
There are days when you feel completely alone
like nobody truly cares about understanding you anymore.
like everybody you love has left, or is leaving you.
and you're just another girl among millions
easily able to get lost in the crowd.
Then there are days when you feel like
Maybe. just maybe, there will be a future
and it is up to you to live it well or let everything stunt you into becoming a failure.
We are how we perceive ourselves. whether that perception is reality or not,
we believe our own thoughts the most, typically.
unless there are quite a few respected people in our lives telling us otherwise,
we listen to what is inside of us, influenced by things in the world around us, yes,
but we make the choices in our lives.
Some days i almost wish I didn't have that kind of responsibility.
I feel like I misuse that kind of trust.
I feel like I misuse trust in general.
Maybe misuse is the wrong word.
Maybe I just disappoint people.
Heck, I disappoint myself all the time.
I realized the other day, I'm not even ok with being myself.
I feel stupid every time I say a cheesy joke,
talk too much or too loud,
sing in front of people, play any instrument in front of people,
talk about my interests, or even just looking how I look.
I guess I have such a different expectation for myself
that I am always disappointed in who I am.
It's like I don't like my own personality
or my own looks or style.
Who I am.
It's a horrible feeling.
I just feel stupid when I open up.
Like nobody really wants to get to know me,
and I don't want to burden people with my sorrows anyway.
don't want to burden them with the good things either.
i feel like im wasting people's time constantly.
but either way, i cant confide fully.
It's not their problem to bear
and I don't want them thinking differently of me.
Just keep seeing me as the weird girl, that tries to act like one of the guys,
talks about violence, watches syfy, discovery, and history channel
but also watches food network, disney channel, and tlc.
That girl who is high energy, slightly entertaining
whether laughing at or with.
Someone to hang out with for a bit, but ditch later,
never get close enough to see behind the smile,
rather accepting it and thinking
"Man, what a fun girl. I should get to know her better."
but never quite finding time to actually care.
there are more important people
maybe ones you've known longer, or who are cooler,
or more normal, or nicer.
or maybe it'd just be weird or out of your comfort zone
or you don't have time or she doesn't seem to need a friend
she's got people smiling with her,
she has all these "friends" she doesn't need more.
Just get to know her on the fringe of her life like everyone else.
and what is she left with?
a very protected, secure, safe,
lonely bubble.
party of 1 on the inside.
party of 6 billion going places in life on the outside.
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