Take Me With You

Take Me With You

I hear the train, it's going 
and it's leaving me behind
it's leaving me behind

I'm by a plane, it just took off

but this time I've changed my mind
this time I've changed my mind

Take me with you
my heart is yours
take me to
all the distant shores

I'll go..where you want me to.
I'll say, what you would have me do
I'll be who you want me to be
I can change now that I see,

Just take me with you, Lord
Don't leave me behind,
I'll go with you, my Savior
Please stay by my side

American Honey

the Fire set by the sun is being watched by the calm blanket of little blues.  Gazing as if remembering a long forgotten feeling, but not emotionally part of the spectacle raging above their tiny heads.

As the last month is ending, one is inevitably forced into a montage of all the year has offered.  The good times and the bad. What you were doing this time one year ago.  How things have changed, or remained the same.  Most prevalently, the people whose paths you have crossed.  And of course, the future as well is called into question. You feel obligated to make a pact that the next one will be better, but you know better than that, don't you? You know yourself. Your habits and preferences.  You figure you will be the same procrastinating, music loving, creative, but severely lacking in self-confidence and therefore giving in to fear much more often than you'd like, type of person. Yes, you know that you write run-on sentences, and are suddenly glad this is not for a school paper.. on which you used to do so well and are wondering where the skill, or at the very least, the will-power to do well, went.  You shrug off the tangent and continue with the long overdue narrative about the turbulent year you have had considering its comparison to all the preceding years.  The changes you sometimes dealt with like a champ.... other times, they broke you. You have learned sorrow. And joy. Longing and pain.  Tears so hot and fast, at times feeling perpetual motion had been discovered through your tear ducts, or that your head or heart would certainly explode any moment for lack of space to hold and control all the emotion raging inside of them.  But the tears dried up and the explosion had no countdown.  You made new friends and deepened your relationship with others.  Some of which you will be eternally grateful for.  This can add to your future pain when people must inevitably part for various reasons sometimes for a lengthy parting.  But you have learned that it is worth it. To have people so close they are now family.  To have the family you do, who made you who you are. Who love you and you know you can turn to always. Or to have the lessons learned and the memories from the people no longer in your life.
I guess all I've learned from the year, is to listen to the warning signs from the Spirit and my own heart.  To follow what I believe in honesty at all times and to not act as someone I am not.  If I don't act as myself and suddenly people like me, it would not matter, they like someone else, the person I am not.
I have learned to be more discerning in my actions, to try as often as possible to do the right thing towards other people, but to understand when it is no longer my responsibility to worry over and when I can no longer please everyone.
I have learned that I should not be so quick to anger or take offense, but of course my stubborn pride is not allowing me to learn that lesson very quickly.  I know now that stepping outside of the comfort zone is sometimes necessary and even though it is intimidating, it can lead to so many more opportunities and a wealth of memories and happiness.
People think I'm social and outgoing. The only reason I seem that way is because I have been continuously pushing myself to be the person to put a smile on someone else's face. Sometimes it is out of my comfort level to start a conversation or do something in front of other people or put myself in a situation where I might not know all about what I am doing, but that is where I learn the most. That is where I have been able to help the most.  I know I haven't been perfect, but I'd like to think I made even a tiny difference for the better in at least one person's life this year.  That is the goal. And my hope for every year. Along with health, educational, work, etc. goals, my goal that is included every year is to make more friends, but not just make them my friends, but just make other people feel welcome enough to make their own friends, to be a part of whatever is going on. To feel like they are loved, included. To spread the love of the Savior to every person I meet.
I learned from a very dear friend that "God doesn't make trash" and He made each of us.  I know I haven't done the best job this year. I had lost motivation for a while to even go through with my daily life.  This year held one of the darkest spots in my life - nothing and no one to blame but myself.
While I guess this one post could go on for as long as the year I am trying to capture in word, I will finish with a few final thoughts.  My hopes, my goals for the next year: To spread as many smiles as I can; to do better in my schooling and regain my own smile - genuinely and inside; to go for my goals no matter how intimidating or unfathomably unreachable they seem; to recognize the Lord's hand in my life and to follow where He would have me go (to recognize any new dreams or paths available to me); to become closer to the Lord; to treasure the word of God more; to share my talents without fear; to help more often not thinking about it being difficult or inconvenient to me; to fulfill my callings better; and to be open to any more goals or blessings the Lord would have me be a part of.

I leave my testimony that the Lord lives. That Abraham, Moses, Mohonri Moriancumer, Moroni, and Joseph Smith, among many other prophets and other people have truly seen the Lord.  That miracles still happen, and that revelation can still be received daily. That we are made in God's image and that He loves each and every one of us even through our mistakes.  He knows our potential and He is just waiting, like the Father to the Prodigal Son, waiting for us - ready to run towards us even as we are yet a far distance off. We just have to take the first step.  I know this is true.  I know my brother is doing the best work in the world right now for a reason.  I know he will affect generations by blessing their lives with the fullness of the Gospel. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the most true church on the Earth.  I know that the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, and all the prophets before him, including the ancient times, were true men of God and receive revelation from a loving and caring God.  I know we have agency on this Earth and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all can be forgiven, and everything that is lost in this life, will be restored in the hereafter. I am incredibly grateful for the mercy of God and for his protection over my family members this year. Life is fragile, and He has blessed us with it in the first place, and He steps in when He knows someone's time is not yet finished.  My hope is that no matter your religion, faith, or lack of faith, that you can feel one day the truth of this fact: you are loved. Always and perfectly. Forever.  You have a purpose in this life you chose to come to.  Whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you.  He knows you. He is there for you.  Even when you have forgotten Him or feel He is gone.  He is just there waiting with open arms for you to take the first step. I leave this in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

You recognize this tunnel now, realizing it has two ends. Your eyes have been opened and the choices are all yours.         Are you better off this year than you were last? What can you do for yourself or others to make sure you will be?

times doesn't stop for anyone

it's too late.
too late at night to be up.
too late to be writing, too late to be rational.
too late to reconcile.
to apologize.
to be the same ever again.
to change decisions.
to change who I am.
take me or leave me,
but don't try to make me someone I'm not.
don't try to paint me as someone I'm not.
people make mistakes.
it's the nature of our being.
we are scared of uncertainty
and therefore, do nothing.
remain action-less.. hoping something will move
because sometimes, it's easier to REact.. than act.
and sometimes, you feel like there's nothing left to be said.
you're afraid something else bad might come out.
you're trying to forgive and be forgiven,
but it will never happen so long as the silence persists,
but the silence will never end bc nobody makes a move.
it remains a sore spot, not easily overcome.
a perpetual question of what-if, and how come,
and why, and maybe if... if only...
if only i had tried harder.
if only i had been a better person.
if only i had seen what was coming.
if only i was someone nicer, prettier, more talented, smarter...
but again. i can't change who i am.
it's gonna have to be time i accept myself,
a problem ill have to work on.
the other day i heard, "how can others love you,
when you don't love yourself?"
it's a good question, i guess rhetorical.
the answer would be obvious,
it would be hard for those others to love you
when you don't even see good in yourself.
I've heard the world takes you at your own estimation of yourself.
if that's true, the world should see me as the dirt they walk on.
that's how i feel all too often.

I may be social, but social networking is bad for my health

Everybody puts on a brave face at one time or another.
That doesn't mean they aren't still feeling every excruciating little emotion.
it just means they've learned to hide it well around others.
There are moments they break.
Sometimes it's hard to keep inside in front of people
especially when little things, completely random in appearance,
remind you of people you miss the most,
and you find yourself lost for a moment.
feeling like your heart is ripped into tiny little pieces,
doused in girl scout juice, set on fire,
and you're watching the ashes drift in the wind.
and then the moment is over, and life continues on.

There are days when you feel completely alone
like nobody truly cares about understanding you anymore.
like everybody you love has left, or is leaving you.
and you're just another girl among millions
easily able to get lost in the crowd.

Then there are days when you feel like
Maybe. just maybe, there will be a future
and it is up to you to live it well or let everything stunt you into becoming a failure.
We are how we perceive ourselves. whether that perception is reality or not,
we believe our own thoughts the most, typically.
unless there are quite a few respected people in our lives telling us otherwise,
we listen to what is inside of us, influenced by things in the world around us, yes,
but we make the choices in our lives.

Some days i almost wish I didn't have that kind of responsibility.
I feel like I misuse that kind of trust.
I feel like I misuse trust in general.
Maybe misuse is the wrong word.
Maybe I just disappoint people.
Heck, I disappoint myself all the time.
I realized the other day, I'm not even ok with being myself.
I feel stupid every time I say a cheesy joke,
talk too much or too loud,
sing in front of people, play any instrument in front of people,
talk about my interests, or even just looking how I look.
I guess I have such a different expectation for myself
that I am always disappointed in who I am.
It's like I don't like my own personality
or my own looks or style.
Who I am.
It's a horrible feeling.
I just feel stupid when I open up.
Like nobody really wants to get to know me,
and I don't want to burden people with my sorrows anyway.
don't want to burden them with the good things either.
i feel like im wasting people's time constantly.
but either way, i cant confide fully.
It's not their problem to bear
and I don't want them thinking differently of me.
Just keep seeing me as the weird girl, that tries to act like one of the guys,
talks about violence, watches syfy, discovery, and history channel
but also watches food network, disney channel, and tlc.
That girl who is high energy, slightly entertaining
whether laughing at or with.
Someone to hang out with for a bit, but ditch later,
never get close enough to see behind the smile,
rather accepting it and thinking
"Man, what a fun girl. I should get to know her better."
but never quite finding time to actually care.
there are more important people
maybe ones you've known longer, or who are cooler,
or more normal, or nicer.
or maybe it'd just be weird or out of your comfort zone
or you don't have time or she doesn't seem to need a friend
she's got people smiling with her,
she has all these "friends" she doesn't need more.
Just get to know her on the fringe of her life like everyone else.
and what is she left with?
a very protected, secure, safe,
lonely bubble.
party of 1 on the inside.
party of 6 billion going places in life on the outside.

question to proceed: how?

How do you explain to someone just how much they have hurt you,
when you still care about them so much
and you wish you could be friends again?
how can you tell them how trashed you feel,
how shattered your heart and mind are..
without making them feel horrible, too?
How can you even let yourself forgive them
and let yourself feel  forgiven
when you still carry this heavy weight
when they come to mind?
when you feel like you've let them down so much.
they might never forgive you anyway.

the answer is, you don't.
You must go on letting them live in the illusion
that they have no blame on their shoulders.
That you are the one running around, thoughtlessly
breaking people's hearts, and being proud of it.
laughing at how you got them to open up,
laughing at how you tried to help them heal,
how you tried yourself to feel loved
when you finally recognized it in their eyes.
laughing when you failed miserably the day it all came out.
no longer able to laugh, even the mirthless, sarcastic way,
with no feeling behind it at all. empty, hollow laughter.
at that one horrible day
that will not stop it's replaying in your mind.
over and over hearing those words.
over and over believing them.
believing you are a crappy person, unworthy of human relationships
starting to falter in any effort put into any relationship
even with any friends.
starting to wonder why you bother at all,
when people either just leave
or hurt you.
or both.



(Now, don't go getting the idea i'm a horribly negative person, this is just some thoughts i had been having and i really needed to write them out. I have quite a few poems that i write when i'm sad or feeling weird, so a lot of my writing paints me as much more of a depressing person than i am... lol. it just helps.. all part of the process.)

Another Day, Blink... Another Year

My reflections.. It started as a bit of a poem.. turned into paragraphs of running thoughts I just needed to get out. You don't have to read it all (if anyone comes on here and reads still anyway).
  Not every day is happiness and rainbows.  I have had to learn how to deal with things not always going my way, quite a lot this last year.  Some things are easier to cope with than others, but cope we must. You can't go back and change things, and you can't control other people. As hard as it is, you take responsibility for your own actions and you are the one controlling your reactions.
  Sometimes reconciliation is scary, and so you remain silent. You don't know how someone else will react, or if it will be anything like their last reaction.. so you just don't say anything. and so time passes.
Somehow things can go from happiness to absolutely nothing in no time.  One minute they say you mean the world, the next they don't know who you are.  It is extremely hard to feel special when you no longer mean one bit to the one in whom you invested so much of your heart. The one who dragged you around for a while acting like there was nothing between you, and when you finally both admitted it, it was great for a few weeks. Then suddenly, the old problems come back. Silent treatment, miscommunication, different expectations, secrets, lies, hating on your family, the ones you grew up with, who love you, who raised you, who are a part of who you are. How can you love someone and hate the people that MADE them who they are?? A question I'll never be able to answer and I wish I'd have recognized it sooner.
"I'll try to get to know them better, but they don't make it easy."
"Trying is all I ask for, I can help if you need it, I love them and I know them well, it will go fine." It never happened. that little 'trying to get to know them'? Yeah.. so much for that promise. And every other one. "You could have at least shown up that day to sing with us, you kinda left us hanging there."
"You expected me to come after what you said??" no. no way. ever. I will never forget that. It's hard to forgive when it hurts EVERY time you think about it. Every time you think about that person. every time a song comes on, you get out your guitar, you sing certain things, you go certain places, hear certain phrases, see certain movies....... every time. so often. reminders. i hate them.
  But sometimes reminders are good ones. Not every memory is bad, although many are tainted with the new perspective the latest negative ones lend. Some of my best, and worst memories..
  However there are reminders of OTHER people who are now out of my life that are very good ones, especially when I remember that some people are only temporarily gone, and we can still email and write :). Sometimes you miss people like a limb, like there is just a piece of you, some deep part of your soul, your other half that is just not present. Some days these things all pile up and it kills you. That is where divine help comes in. It is a necessity and it is real. I know that with all my heart. Sometimes, I let things weigh me down too far to see it, but I still know it deep down. I still know that the moment I turn to prayer, the moment I'm sinking so low, I might break, it is there. He is there. I have a Father in Heaven and a Savior, Jesus Christ. They love me. They know ALL my faults and they still love me and want me happy. So when I suffer just a tiny piece of something the Savior suffered in Gethsemane, I know he has felt what I have.  He suffered with me, FOR me. So I wouldn't have to. That doesn't mean I won't. I'm still going to have bad days, but it is up to me to choose to be happy, and to choose to see the hope the future brings, rather than let some hard times completely trash my outlook on life.

Summer Reflections

Well.. it has been FOREVER since I posted. And, since I'm sure anyone out of the tiny amount of people previously following this, has given up hope that I would ever post again, I guess I will be writing this for my own benefit, but I will enjoy every moment of it :D. (And, good luck to anyone who wants to read through this entire thing...) :)

First off, I have survived my first year of college, and remained rather unscathed.. if not just a little wiser, too. (well hopefully i learned something.. what else is school for, right?) It is just a local 2 year college, but I am getting as many general studies out of the way as possible, while continuing my music studies through some classes, as well as with a private piano teacher, and doing some teaching myself :).

I have learned that one of the best ways of learning is by teaching. That may not always be the case, but when it is, it can be quite fulfilling to be a part of. You watch your students grow, and you learn something new every day, whether it is just how to help each individual, sitting back and watching the amazing sponge-like retention some of these kids seem to posses, or learning when patience would be the best option.

I have also learned that enthusiasm and happiness seem to be transferable. And, conversely, frustration or impatience seems to work the same way. When I am excited about something my student has done, they seem to pick up on it and whether they realize it or not, they start working just a little harder, doing just a little better. And when they reach the end of that first level of books, they realize just how much they have learned when it seems like just yesterday they would never be able to make music. A little encouragement goes a long way.

I think this concept works in life as well. People can feel when someone is genuinely happy, and most of the time others want to be around a person like that. (Whether people admit it or not, I don't believe anyone enjoys being unhappy.) I have been told before that I always seem so happy; I don't know that "seem" should qualify that sentence. I believe happiness is what everyone should aspire to, (and what our Heavenly Father wants for us) and I try my best to have that positive outlook at all times.

It's like what I told my Spanish teacher back in sophmore year of high school. I didn't want to use "estar" for describing being happy because estar is used for temporary emotions. I had told her I was the "ser" version of happy, because ser is more permanent, longer-lasting. I know there are always trials and hard times to get through, but I know I can still be happy because of the knowledge I have of a Plan of Happiness from our Heavenly Father for us, and of families lasting forever, and the Atonement of a Savior who cares about every single person who ever lived, is living now, and who ever will live.

I know it seems unbelievable or "without fathom" :) but believe it. I know I do, and it is a life altering conclusion. No matter what, I always have a loving Savior and Father in Heaven. I have also been blessed with the love of amazing parents, siblings/their spouses, and adorable nieces and nephews, not to mention the amazing friends that have come into my life.

I will forever be grateful for this knowledge I have of the gospel and I know I don't always try as hard as I could to share this happiness and knowledge I have with my friends, or to serve and love everyone as Jesus did, so I'm taking this opportunity to just let people know what I believe, and just how important it is to me.

I wasn't intending to have a religious or philosophical discussion when I began this post, just sometimes a tangent feels like the way to go. :) Anyway, the summer has been amazing and filled with family Disneyland trips and bonding with friends. I started learning guitar, and i know a few chords and songs now, and I have a new goal of being amazing at it! lol, we will see how far that goes. Basically, I just wanted to count my blessings before I have to plunge back in for another semester of school and work (even though I have still been working in the summer :) somehow it feels more official during the school year when you balance it with studying.)

So.. I think that is all I will make people suffer through reading. :)

<3 Laura

(if you have any questions about my church or beliefs, just ask me, or go to mormon.org)